Rediscovering Me

Its about 45 mins to the end of my last day of work in 2016. I remember my first day of work this year, coming back after being away for almost 7 weeks (post-hospitalization & annual) leave, coming into a new role with a new team, new boss, new floor/workstation ... It has been a roller coaster year - loads of difficult, trying moments, feeling lost & dejected, many many frustrating moments ... but also, lots of fun, laughter, love, joy & a great sense of accomplishment at surviving this year. I love what I do now, especially because it gives me time - to think, plan & do many of the things that I want to do. Its been a great year at work & 2017 looks like its going to be a fabulous year!!! (drafted this in Dec 2016 but only just got to posting it. Obviously very optimistic - possibly due it being the holiday/Christmas season - but real life kicks in & then we wonder why did we ever think that things were going to be different...)

Did I imagine it all? Was I deluding myself? Did I misread the situation? Just because I have not stopped loving you and wanting you, did I assume that you were in the same space as well? I had asked you for a description of our relationship; you said that I was like family. To my comment that it would be incestuous then, you replied a wife was family too. So, in my mind, we were in a relationship. Maybe this is the real you when you are focused on something. But I remember the man who had time to email me; text with me even when he was training a new group of personnel. I remember the man who would find the time to meet with me; even when it meant driving from SG to KL and then back again, just to have lunch, talk to me; kiss me goodbye and drive all the way back. I wonder ... if this is you, then who was that man? Interestingly, it was you (or rather, the other you) that taught me how to value myself. I love you; there is a lot that I would do for you, e...

Driven to mental desperation, I find myself drawn again to putting my thoughts down in words. Thoughts translated to words and sentences have a way of: 1. Clearing one's thoughts, the re-reading and editing helps with the clarity 2. Putting things into perspective 3. Allowing one to re-visit one's thoughts Referring to item 3, going back to my earlier post 7-8  years ago, it does seem like nothing has changed very much - I am again feeling not-so-intelligent, inadequate as a parent, overwhelmed by life, unloved and alone. And yet, I have changed. I am well aware that there is a life very different from this. I know, based on feedback from varied sources, that: 1. I am intelligent 2. I am a good mom 3. I am in control of my life - having been through and survived several storms in the past 3-4 years 4. I am loved; maybe not in the way that I want to be but I am definitely loved, by many, for different reasons, and sometimes for not other reason than for being me ...

It has been more than a year since I last wrote. 2010 was an amazing year for me and I was hardly ever online, much less taking the time to plan & write. But looking back at all that I have written before, I think that its good to put things down, so that I can remember what it was like, what I felt like and all other related stuff. So this year, I will make an effort to put things down in print. Think that this is gonna look like a rojak thingy - experiences, thoughts, ideas, plans, food journal & fitness diary (apparently fitness & weight loss goals are better achieved when one makes notes :-) So, today what have I done - its 12.13pm now Came in early this morning, cleared my emails then went for breakfast - had a 3-shot latte & a shepherd's pie - nice! Got back to the office & started work on the Employer of Choice slides. Met up with Audrey to discuss the EOC stuff & all other matters. Back to the slides. Now after lunch I need to focus on the PDR valida...

Its been a long time since I wrote. Life kinda took over. I've been busy, good kind of busy. While there were thoughts floating around in my head, none of it was urgent enough to put them down. But today, I just felt the need to. I'm sad, disheartened at all that's happening in my homeland. As Malaysia becomes more exposed to the world, and we seemingly have become more global citizens, the 'Me' syndrome seems to be more prevalent. Its is becoming more about who I am & what I want; what I think is right is becoming more & more obvious. Not that such thoughts are wrong in itself but when it happens at the exclusion of everything else, then, to me at least, it is wrong. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and a belief in what they think is right. But that cannot mean that the other person is wrong. Over the years, we have been bombarded with pictures and stories about the so-called 'unity' of the Malaysian races. It is a wonderful trait of Malaysian li...

Why haven't I written for a long time? Cause I don't find it very comfortable to just be still with my own thoughts. I have lots of them, just that they keep running through my head & the idea of keeping still so that I can properly develop the thought doesn't seem so appealing. I wonder why?