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Delusional?

Did I imagine it all? Was I deluding myself? Did I misread the situation?



Just because I have not stopped loving you and wanting you, did I assume that you were in the same space as well?



I had asked you for a description of our relationship; you said that I was like family. To my comment that it would be incestuous then, you replied a wife was family too. So, in my mind, we were in a relationship.



Maybe this is the real you when you are focused on something. But I remember the man who had time to email me; text with me even when he was training a new group of personnel. I remember the man who would find the time to meet with me; even when it meant driving from SG to KL and then back again, just to have lunch, talk to me; kiss me goodbye and drive all the way back.



I wonder ... if this is you, then who was that man?



Interestingly, it was you (or rather, the other you) that taught me how to value myself. I love you; there is a lot that I would do for you, even now. But I am not going to wait around for you to have time for me. I also don't know how to be just friends with you, because no matter what, you will never be just a friend to me.

I miss you; I want to see you, desperately. I would love to talk to you.
But when I don't know what you are up to, when you didn't think it important to keep me informed, then what am I to do? When you say that that you too want to see me, maybe this week when you are back but then give me a date 2 weeks away, I was crushed.

Did something change along the way, from the first time we reconnected, as the time passed on? Was I wrong to think that it was about the money?

You said you are sorry that you made me feel that it was about the money. Your explanation was that you are focused on your parents and son; your need to succeed.

But you never addressed what my real issue was. You never said how you feel about me. Again, I've left, wondering what the hell just happened....

Don't kid yourself (and me) saying that it is because this is who you are which is why your relationships don't last. You of all people, know that when we have shortcomings, we fix it. If you are not going to fix it, then you should not have 'led me on', for want of a better word.

Was I led on? Did I delude myself? Was I a temporary fix? Just for money? ... so many questions which I suppose it will never get an answer to.

You have said to me many times that I am someone that you trust, that you value. Doesn't this trustworthy, valuable person deserve an clarification from you?

Sure feels like I don't matter very much anymore when you don't even bother to try to keep me in the picture.

Even now, it is still me trying to make some sense.

Do I matter to you? Did I even matter at all?


I wonder ....

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