Rediscovering Me

Needing something different to do during my lunch break today, I decided to change the look of my page & in doing so, reviewed my profile. I was scanning through my pics when this particular one caught my attention. This is a sculpture of Venus which I viewed at the British Museum in 2011. Why this picture? 1. The position of the figure - crouching as if hiding, with the arm protectively across, as if to ward off some harm. There are days where I want to hide, to protect myself from the world, constant demands being made of me, my inadequate self that cannot meet these demands 2. She's looking back I am more often than not caught up in the past - the should have, could have, why did or didn't I's 3. Most important, she seems ready to launch forward Where I usually am, wanting to move forward but still looking back & hiding from it all So, I want to move forward but I need to let go of my fears & my past ....

Its about 45 mins to the end of my last day of work in 2016. I remember my first day of work this year, coming back after being away for almost 7 weeks (post-hospitalization & annual) leave, coming into a new role with a new team, new boss, new floor/workstation ... It has been a roller coaster year - loads of difficult, trying moments, feeling lost & dejected, many many frustrating moments ... but also, lots of fun, laughter, love, joy & a great sense of accomplishment at surviving this year. I love what I do now, especially because it gives me time - to think, plan & do many of the things that I want to do. Its been a great year at work & 2017 looks like its going to be a fabulous year!!! (drafted this in Dec 2016 but only just got to posting it. Obviously very optimistic - possibly due it being the holiday/Christmas season - but real life kicks in & then we wonder why did we ever think that things were going to be different...)

Did I imagine it all? Was I deluding myself? Did I misread the situation? Just because I have not stopped loving you and wanting you, did I assume that you were in the same space as well? I had asked you for a description of our relationship; you said that I was like family. To my comment that it would be incestuous then, you replied a wife was family too. So, in my mind, we were in a relationship. Maybe this is the real you when you are focused on something. But I remember the man who had time to email me; text with me even when he was training a new group of personnel. I remember the man who would find the time to meet with me; even when it meant driving from SG to KL and then back again, just to have lunch, talk to me; kiss me goodbye and drive all the way back. I wonder ... if this is you, then who was that man? Interestingly, it was you (or rather, the other you) that taught me how to value myself. I love you; there is a lot that I would do for you, e...