Skip to main content

Same Old ...But New?

Driven to mental desperation, I find myself drawn again to putting my thoughts down in words.

Thoughts translated to words and sentences have a way of:
1. Clearing one's thoughts, the re-reading and editing helps with the clarity
2. Putting things into perspective
3. Allowing one to re-visit one's thoughts

Referring to item 3, going back to my earlier post 7-8  years ago, it does seem like nothing has changed very much - I am again feeling not-so-intelligent, inadequate as a parent, overwhelmed by life, unloved and alone.

And yet, I have changed. I am well aware that there is a life very different from this. I know, based on feedback from varied sources, that:

1. I am intelligent
2. I am a good mom
3. I am in control of my life - having been through and survived several storms in the past 3-4 years
4. I am loved; maybe not in the way that I want to be but I am definitely loved, by many, for different reasons, and sometimes for not other reason than for being me

So, after indulging my sorrow for a bit ( I have to admit that there is some 'satisfaction' in feeling that it's me against the world) and having a little cry, I have dusted off the feeling, and am standing straight, rolling my shoulders and looking forward to seeking my own happiness.

Yes I need to lose weight - not because he wants me to but because I want to. I am going to eat healthy because I want to take care of me. I will exercise more of the same reason.

I am going to get out of this zone because I don't like being in this zone.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2011-A New Year

It has been more than a year since I last wrote. 2010 was an amazing year for me and I was hardly ever online, much less taking the time to plan & write. But looking back at all that I have written before, I think that its good to put things down, so that I can remember what it was like, what I felt like and all other related stuff. So this year, I will make an effort to put things down in print. Think that this is gonna look like a rojak thingy - experiences, thoughts, ideas, plans, food journal & fitness diary (apparently fitness & weight loss goals are better achieved when one makes notes :-) So, today what have I done - its 12.13pm now Came in early this morning, cleared my emails then went for breakfast - had a 3-shot latte & a shepherd's pie - nice! Got back to the office & started work on the Employer of Choice slides. Met up with Audrey to discuss the EOC stuff & all other matters. Back to the slides. Now after lunch I need to focus on the PDR valida...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Profile Pic

Needing something different to do during my lunch break today, I decided to change the look of my page & in doing so, reviewed my profile. I was scanning through my pics when this particular one caught my attention. This is a sculpture of Venus which I viewed at the British Museum in 2011. Why this picture? 1. The position of the figure - crouching as if hiding, with the arm protectively across, as if to ward off some harm. There are days where I want to hide, to protect myself from the world, constant demands being made of me, my inadequate self that cannot meet these demands 2. She's looking back I am more often than not caught up in the past - the should have, could have, why did or didn't I's 3. Most important, she seems ready to launch forward Where I usually am, wanting to move forward but still looking back & hiding from it all So, I want to move forward but I need to let go of my fears & my past ....
Post a Comment
Read more