Rediscovering Me

Funny how one can be surrounded by people & still feel so alone. I've been 'home-bound' in a sense lately and while I've had the kids with me almost all day, and hubby's been around for quite a bit, I feel very alone. I guess its because to the kids, I'm Amma & generally as most children are, they expect you to provide for them. Its a constant stream of wants, please do this & endless questions. They dont really care about you :-) Hubs of course is a story of its own. Things have been 'better' in the last few weeks but it takes so much of work, trying to ensure that I am on the 'right side'. Its mentally exhausting, being alert all the time to what he expects & what I need to do. The upside of it is that we've had less arguments. The downside, he still complains. And at the end of it all, all that matters to him is him & the family. I guess that's to be expected of any family but what saddens me is that 'I' don...

Its two days since Christmas 08 & a strange one it has been. There's no maid so I've had to manage the kids & the chores. So, with all of that, Christmas has been low-key - just put up the tree on the 23rd, with minimal other decorations. Had no time to bake or even buy cookies - not that anyone eats much of them anyway. I had great fun taking the kids shopping for their clothes etc. Despite being bone-dead tired, they are such a joy to be with. And while we usually have my family over for Christmas lunch, my parents decided to have lunch at their place. So, lunch was just hubs, kids & me. But it was a really nice lunch! More importantly though, Mummy's been sick for > 1 week now, with fevers & body pains. The GPs have ruled out dengue & malaria & they think its likely to be viral fever. Its scary to see her so sick and I feel quite helpless, not being able to do anything to help her. So, in a very strange way, Christmas this year has reminded me ...

I am one of the many people who frequent Bangsar Village. I find the location convenient: its a 10/15 min drive from home, parking spots are generally easy to find, amenities are good - clean toilets, ATM machines, post office close by... , the supermarket stocks all that I want at pretty reasonable prices, along with the finer things in life which are not usually available at the hypermarkets, Caring Pharmacy always has a pharmacist on duty & they are friendly & helpful and there are lots of eateries, in the building & nearby that makes it all in all very nice. More importantly, the staff that they work there are really nice people, always with a smile & helpful. Last Thursday night though underscored all these reasons. I was to meet some friends for buka puasa at BV 2. As I drove into the car park, along with the many cars making their way there at that busy hour, I suddenly saw one of the staff (he was a local Chinese, a supervisor I guess) running to get my atte...

Further to my entry yesterday, I've completed Day 1 of my 2-week Phase 1. It wasn't to difficult to avoid carbs for the day. Had a boiled egg for breakfast, salads for lunch & dinner, along with 3 cafe lattes. Today, it will have to do the salads with dressing on the side. Also, did my workout when I got home and believe it or not (it could be an illusion) but I actually think I seem a little trimmer - at least at the sides :-) I have unearthed my Inner Talk CD on Weight Loss Now & its playing on my PC as I type. I intend to use this diligently for the next 30 days & am confident I will see results. I feel alive! despite my cold and am so looking forward to my day.

Realised that I'm in a self-destructive cycle. I'm upset & needy but I seek refuge in food - not a good thing when one has a weight problem. And its particularly bad when I am actually well aware of the consequences of being in a cycle like this. Cheating on my weight plan causes me to feel guilty & the added weight makes me feel even worse. Not to mention the telling off that I got from hubs yesterday. I believe that there's a better way of saying these things but when it is all true, my position is not defensible & I DESERVE IT! Just because the world does not notice me, doesn't mean that I should allow myself to perpetuate the myth - that I am less than a person! I am not being fair to me! So, yesterday, I made a promise to myself. To be the best that I can be! And what does this mean... 1. To lose weight Whether I like it or not, appearance does play a huge role in how people perceive me. So I need to look good. And I have been told time & again that...

I'm in a thoughtful mood - searching for the cause & meaning of a certain 'emptiness' inside. All things considered, everything is going well. Work is great, kids are doing okay, no one particular thing wrong. And yet, something is. I feel a lack of connection to me. Its as if I am here, but not quite, a certain hollowness to all I do. I've wondered if its because of my neglect of the spiritual aspect of my life. Over the last week, I tried to make time to be with the Lord, to meditate ( as best I can, lol), to talk to Him & to hear Him. And I'm happy that we've reconnected, the Lord has always been a friend, and its nice to get back in touch. But have also realised that while my spirituality adds another dimension to my life, the lack of it isn't the cause the present emptiness. I think its because 'Me' is presently not very connected to anyone. I relate to people at work as an employee & while I enjoy great friendships at work, it isn...

Every relationship has difficult moments. When people interact, there's bound to be areas of disagrement & unhappiness. After all, each of us are unique individuals with different 'pictures' of our world & how we view things. Very often, its a question of tolerance, understanding & lots of 'give & take' that makes most relationships work, whether it is social or professional. However, most times, it is the relationships with those closest to us that are the most difficult to navigate. Is it because we expect a higher degree of care? After all, these are people who know us best & are suppose to want what's best for us. What happens when both/all parties demand that level of care & as a result, nothing seems to be moving? Must there always be one that seemingly gives more to make it work? Is that wrong, being the one who almost always be one to make the adjustments? Does making adjustments for the ones you love mean you love yourself less? ...

It's been a crazy few weeks, with me moving into my new role. Pretty exciting stuff, learning lots of new things & meeting new people. What I like about my current role is that its a lot more structured, I can plan & usually am able to execute the plans, with limited disruptions. Its nice to know what your day is going to be like, as opposed to planning & then 1 phone call changes everything :D And I have more time for me, which is the main purpose :-) and I've more time to plan what I want to do & think, which is something I usually was too tired/busy to do before Once I get in the groove, looking forward to be able to write more :-)

I left my son playing with hubby this morning & he has such an infectious laugh - you can't help but to smile when you hear him laugh. He is a wonderful present to us. Was perfectly content with my 2 lovely girls & life was going along fine. I was actually contemplating getting my tubes tied - take away all the hassles of contraception - but had delayed acting on it as it was a busy time at the office. Was feeling tired, kept thinking it was because of the work & my late nights, either working or having drinks with friends. Found myself falling asleep at the traffic lights while driving home one evening when I remembered the last time I felt this kind of tiredness was when I was pregnant. Hmmm, could it be? Didnt think so but I did have a pregnancy test kit at home from the last time. So, when I got home, i tested, but definitely not prepared for the positive result. Started hyperventilating! Called hubs but he didnt pick up. So, called my younger sis, crying over the p...

I visited an offshore platform this week & what an experience it was! My 1st time on a chopper. I was initially terrified as I hate flying but I enjoyed the ride. It felt a lot more steady than being in plane, even when we flew through clouds. Maybe it's because it flies lower but nontheless, it was fun! And the rig - what a marvellous piece of engineering! Its just so amazing, this huge structure, standing in the middle of the ocean - and it actually looks small when compared with the vastness of the water. And its amazing how they get water, generate their electricity & air-condition the place. I have a new appreciation for the hardships of life on a rig, where there is nothing else to look at but water, when all you can do is work. Poor things! But the food is glorious! The variety is outstanding but considering that life revolves around mealtimes, it has to be so. No danger in gaining weight, given the amount of physical work that they do. Everyone warned me about the m...

When a person makes love, do you notice who you are with, or is just body parts that turn you on? I've had sex with 3 different men: sadly, the experience with my spouse ranks the lowest in terms of 'quality'. And I'm not talking about just orgasms... I think many would agree with me when I say that marital sex is often done out of duty, because you just need to fill that physical need & that is the only person available. We go through the motions with our spouses, we know what works & we just repeat it over & over. Yes, we cum, seemingly satisfied and we go back to being housemates. When I was growing up, in a traditional catholic household, sex was the ultimate giving of oneself: all of me,my body, my thoughts, my feelings. Of course, I have since changed my mind about there being the only one person for us in the whole world (earlier post refers :D) But I've realised that sex with hubby is very often about getting it done. Maybe I'm not being fair...

I am sitting in the lobby of the Awana Kijal Resort - wifi is only available at the F&B outlets - enjoying an Austin Chase mocha (wonders never cease :-)) It is a lovely hotel, very Malaysian architecture. My room faces the beach but when one gets here at 8pm, there's not much to see. I wish I had the time to enjoy the place, absorb the atmosphere - the drive here from Kuantan airport was a feast for eyes, and my soul. Its been quite a while since I've seen traditional kampungs & watched the folk go about their daily to-dos, with the kids having the time of their life playing in the open. But here am I, working in this lovely lobby. I have just cleared 80+ emails that came in since I left the office at 3pm. Worked on a business proposal...It just never stops. On one hand, it feels so 'alive' to have your mind constantly active, thinking, planning ...But if one is always living on another 'plain', where is the life? Constantly working for future thin...

Lately I've come to accept that different persons provide different things in my life, some people are permanents, the corner stones of my life - like my parents & sisters, kids. Then there are my various friends, each unique individual that adds their own streak of colour in the painting of my life. At different moments of my life, I need different people - not one can provide a everything that I need. And I think its unfair to expect one person to do it all. Like most people, I once believed in the happily ever after (I hesitate now to read these to my kids lest they to grow up with this delusion) but the school of hard knocks have thought me that its happy now that matters. And I am in-charge of my own happiness. It cannot hinge on other people or circumstances. Its not easy but I am determined that I will find some happiness in just about every moment in life, and extending that thought, everyone in my life brings me happiness, albeit in differing degrees.

At last I can now post :D I desperately need to put my thoughts down last weekend - all these random thoughts & ideas running through my head but as access was blocked! Anyway, here we are! Been having an extremely busy few days so for now I can't even remember what I was thinking off previously. But then, as I've come to expect, experiences & esp thoughts have a way of coming back & repeating so sometime in the near/far future. The next few weeks will be a little more crazy then usual as I'll officially transfer to my new role on 1st April - much to my surprise that it is so soon - was targetting 1 May but we'll survive. Life's been great, my coping mechanisms are in full gear so I'm able to deal with the stuff that comes my way without getting down & I suppose I'm looking forward to my new challenges so its pretty exciting. And I try & make time to socialise, so have had some fun evenings, lubricated by wine & fun conversations. Her...

I need to put my thoughts down, desperately. had problems logging on to my earlier created blog - been so long!!! Solution - create a new one :-) but guess what? its time to get to the office. So later today i guess