Skip to main content

Alone in A Crowd

Funny how one can be surrounded by people & still feel so alone.

I've been 'home-bound' in a sense lately and while I've had the kids with me almost all day, and hubby's been around for quite a bit, I feel very alone.

I guess its because to the kids, I'm Amma & generally as most children are, they expect you to provide for them. Its a constant stream of wants, please do this & endless questions. They dont really care about you :-)

Hubs of course is a story of its own. Things have been 'better' in the last few weeks but it takes so much of work, trying to ensure that I am on the 'right side'. Its mentally exhausting, being alert all the time to what he expects & what I need to do.

The upside of it is that we've had less arguments. The downside, he still complains.

And at the end of it all, all that matters to him is him & the family. I guess that's to be expected of any family but what saddens me is that 'I' don't seem to matter in all of this. I'm hoping I'm wrong but I don't think that he's interested in me any more, or that he even likes me anymore.

It feels as if we're both acting out our roles because of a sense of duty, because we brought 3 gorgeous kids into this world & we owe them.

I understand why I do this but it is very lonely.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

2011-A New Year

It has been more than a year since I last wrote. 2010 was an amazing year for me and I was hardly ever online, much less taking the time to plan & write. But looking back at all that I have written before, I think that its good to put things down, so that I can remember what it was like, what I felt like and all other related stuff. So this year, I will make an effort to put things down in print. Think that this is gonna look like a rojak thingy - experiences, thoughts, ideas, plans, food journal & fitness diary (apparently fitness & weight loss goals are better achieved when one makes notes :-) So, today what have I done - its 12.13pm now Came in early this morning, cleared my emails then went for breakfast - had a 3-shot latte & a shepherd's pie - nice! Got back to the office & started work on the Employer of Choice slides. Met up with Audrey to discuss the EOC stuff & all other matters. Back to the slides. Now after lunch I need to focus on the PDR valida...
Post a Comment
Read more

Same Old ...But New?

Driven to mental desperation, I find myself drawn again to putting my thoughts down in words. Thoughts translated to words and sentences have a way of: 1. Clearing one's thoughts, the re-reading and editing helps with the clarity 2. Putting things into perspective 3. Allowing one to re-visit one's thoughts Referring to item 3, going back to my earlier post 7-8  years ago, it does seem like nothing has changed very much - I am again feeling not-so-intelligent, inadequate as a parent, overwhelmed by life, unloved and alone. And yet, I have changed. I am well aware that there is a life very different from this. I know, based on feedback from varied sources, that: 1. I am intelligent 2. I am a good mom 3. I am in control of my life - having been through and survived several storms in the past 3-4 years 4. I am loved; maybe not in the way that I want to be but I am definitely loved, by many, for different reasons, and sometimes for not other reason than for being me ...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Profile Pic

Needing something different to do during my lunch break today, I decided to change the look of my page & in doing so, reviewed my profile. I was scanning through my pics when this particular one caught my attention. This is a sculpture of Venus which I viewed at the British Museum in 2011. Why this picture? 1. The position of the figure - crouching as if hiding, with the arm protectively across, as if to ward off some harm. There are days where I want to hide, to protect myself from the world, constant demands being made of me, my inadequate self that cannot meet these demands 2. She's looking back I am more often than not caught up in the past - the should have, could have, why did or didn't I's 3. Most important, she seems ready to launch forward Where I usually am, wanting to move forward but still looking back & hiding from it all So, I want to move forward but I need to let go of my fears & my past ....
Post a Comment
Read more