I was miserable this evening for a variety of reasons, chief among it was how trapped I feel in my life right now. It got pretty bad that I was contemplating:
1. That I wished I was anyone else but me
2. That I didn't exist at all
3, That I could just exit this life
Its funny that these feelings & thoughts should come just one day after I felt, so strongly, that the Lord was telling me to give this life of mine a really good shot - that he would be with me.
But then again, this could be His way of testing my faith, if I would just give it all up.
I think that I'm going to give Him time to work things out for me.
However, lest I forget the reasons that brought me to this tragic place:
1. I've been 'home-bound' for 3 weeks with very little adult conversation & stimulation
2. I have 3 adorable kids but they have this ability to make me want to donate them away to strangers
3. I'm tired of never-ending housework
4. I've done more domesticated stuff in these 3 weeks than my entire life put together, and yet, 99% of the time, hubs is telling me about what else needs to be done or what I haven't done, or what I should be doing
5. I feel like a non-person
6. I feel fat, ugly & unloved
7. And I've been eating to make me feel better, seems like thats the only pleasurable thing in my life right now
8. Hubs was mad at Asha just now. While I totally agree that her attitude needs correcting, I strongly oppose the way he expressed it. And I feel that he was actually mad at me, and she was the next easy target
9. I wish I could tell him so, that you cannot tell an 8-yr old that if she continues with her whining & complaining, you'd not consider her your child. She has no means of dealing with that kind of emotional onslaught. But given his earlier anger at me, me saying anything would only trigger off a worse reaction.
I really felt so trapped that breathing was difficult.
I feel like a puppet in my own life. A thing, alive but not human. And I just want to evaporate from this existence.
1. That I wished I was anyone else but me
2. That I didn't exist at all
3, That I could just exit this life
Its funny that these feelings & thoughts should come just one day after I felt, so strongly, that the Lord was telling me to give this life of mine a really good shot - that he would be with me.
But then again, this could be His way of testing my faith, if I would just give it all up.
I think that I'm going to give Him time to work things out for me.
However, lest I forget the reasons that brought me to this tragic place:
1. I've been 'home-bound' for 3 weeks with very little adult conversation & stimulation
2. I have 3 adorable kids but they have this ability to make me want to donate them away to strangers
3. I'm tired of never-ending housework
4. I've done more domesticated stuff in these 3 weeks than my entire life put together, and yet, 99% of the time, hubs is telling me about what else needs to be done or what I haven't done, or what I should be doing
5. I feel like a non-person
6. I feel fat, ugly & unloved
7. And I've been eating to make me feel better, seems like thats the only pleasurable thing in my life right now
8. Hubs was mad at Asha just now. While I totally agree that her attitude needs correcting, I strongly oppose the way he expressed it. And I feel that he was actually mad at me, and she was the next easy target
9. I wish I could tell him so, that you cannot tell an 8-yr old that if she continues with her whining & complaining, you'd not consider her your child. She has no means of dealing with that kind of emotional onslaught. But given his earlier anger at me, me saying anything would only trigger off a worse reaction.
I really felt so trapped that breathing was difficult.
I feel like a puppet in my own life. A thing, alive but not human. And I just want to evaporate from this existence.
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