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Rising Up

Realised that I'm in a self-destructive cycle. I'm upset & needy but I seek refuge in food - not a good thing when one has a weight problem. And its particularly bad when I am actually well aware of the consequences of being in a cycle like this.

Cheating on my weight plan causes me to feel guilty & the added weight makes me feel even worse. Not to mention the telling off that I got from hubs yesterday. I believe that there's a better way of saying these things but when it is all true, my position is not defensible & I DESERVE IT!

Just because the world does not notice me, doesn't mean that I should allow myself to perpetuate the myth - that I am less than a person!

I am not being fair to me!

So, yesterday, I made a promise to myself. To be the best that I can be! And what does this mean...
1. To lose weight
Whether I like it or not, appearance does play a huge role in how people perceive me. So I need to look good. And I have been told time & again that I am attractive, even with my weight, so I should take care of myself to look even better.

2. To take pride in my work at home
I do this naturally in the office, so I need to do the same at home. It comes automatically, this being professional at work. Will apply same rules at home. As a person, I am naturally messy but at work, I am able to work find a method to achieve my goals. Same should apply at home. Yes, I am who I am but one can always be better

3. Improving myself
It is a common excuse that I have always heard from others - 'but this is me!' True, but if me can be better, why not?

I am going to stop accepting my mental reasoning that the world doesn't get me. So what if it doesn't?

I have to live and love in this world & I intend to make the most of it. I am going to stop waiting for things to improve. I accept life the way it is & will still become better & better at being me.

I will always want to be understood, loved & accepted but until that happens, I will keep trying to be a better person. And even if it never happens, if I always end up being not good enough, I will know that I am the best that I can be.

Yesterday was difficult for me because I know that I failed, failed myself. But I can either wallow in self pity, and make things even worse, or I can choose to become better.

I acknowledge that the road ahead is not easy. Being disciplined about my weight is very hard. Being domesticated is does not come naturally to me. But I've realised that I have to make a damn good try at it, if not for my sake, then for my children. So, that they will realise that it is possible to attempt something seemingly difficult & succeed.

I want my children to know that their mom is not afraid of challenges, that she takes it on & makes the best of a situation. So that when they are faced with similar situations on life, they will not be afraid & give up.

This is my life, my family, my hopes & dreams and I refuse to give up without a fight - a damn good one at that.

So, as of yesterday, I am back at Phase 1 of my diet plan and I have organised my timetable so that I will able to supervise better at home.

No more feeling sorry for myself. I choose to take charge & move me to a place where I can hold my head high & be proud of me!

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